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November 22, 2006

The Speak Out!: Safety

By Kaylene Scholl

When dealing with a child that has trauma and attachment spectrum disorders, LOVE is all about keeping the child safe from not only physical harm outside of themselves), but safety in the realms of  emotional, verbal, psychological and spiritual realms as well.

Many families are hiding under the load of LOVE.  We are accused and misunderstood, because love for us comes more in the form of "tough love" versus the reciprocal relationships in attunement with each other. The special smiles, the hidden notes, the acts of kindness, or genuine appreciation for the heart and dedication put forth from the parent by the child.

Our children do not fear the physical issues of safety: crossing the street, talking to a stranger, bumps and bruises from play. They have lived through much more unimaginable things. What is a consequence that we can put forth in discipline that is not shrugged off for the power of control in the immediate self gratification?

For us, love is SAFETY. Safety from the memories of nightmares that try to creep in from the past. These are triggered by their senses. The BROWN sofa, a certain smell, a flash of light, the bang of a noise, a game or TV show.

We need to keep the family safe from the threats or attempts of murder, fire, rage, or any other foul declaration that escapes the lips. And, we need to protect the child from themselves and the vile damage that they can achieve that pours forth from the belief system that has become a menacing stronghold.

The triggers from daily living scream in outrage as a child may throw themselves down the step or ram into the stomach of an unsuspecting victim. The force causing physical damage to one or both. The parents fear: The child may get hurt, or I may be in legal trouble if I touch the child in the process and blame is laid at my door. Again, if I do not yank them back from the road full of speeding cars I am still risking the set up of legal accusations.

The word SAFETY is beginning to feel like a noose around my neck. It is what I teach. It is what I know needs to be the deciding factor in making decisions for my family and each individual child so that healing and life may be obtained. Yet, what I experienced is, that SAFETY has become my jailor. To protect my child from the worst of all, well meaning people who do not have all the facts, we avoid certain areas of community so that the triggers do not produce death when we get home. Or, the other side of safety, tears my family apart when one must go away...so everyone is safe. Is there really major help in going away? Or is the only reality safety?

It is all reduced to SURVIVAL. First for the child and then for its family members... not so much the family unit. Is there help? Is there hope?

Because of society rules and ways of operating, many of us are isolated from each other. We doubt that anyone else could be experiencing the same thing. Community supports do not believe us, laughing, "He is only a child, how much damage can he do?"

Power comes in unity of voice. In sharing our story. Of penetrating into the mind-sets of past perceptions. Consistency in our involvements as parent advocates for our child(ren). We need to encourage each other and then not shy away in embarrassment when help and hope is offered.

We need to STAND together in our community for change and supports. Let's try innovative approaches to programs, therapy and treatment. Only when we, the community, can stand together is practice and success of recoveries will our county, state and higher levels of governing and decision making bodies take the time to stop, look and consider what we are doing to BE THE DIFFERENCE.

Kaylene Scholl is from Lancaster and is the founder of the Carousel Project, a Therapeutic Foster Parent Respite Provider, and serves on the Pennsylvania Families Inc. Board of Directors, the Lancaster County CASSP Advisory Committee, and the CBHNP 2nd level Grievance Committee. She can be reached at carouselproject@aol.com

We are looking for stories regarding your experience and lessons learned as a parent or caregiver dealing with a child's behavioral health problem, or, as the child living with it. Stories should be under 1,000 words. Those that are approved will be published on our Web site. Contact Wendy Luckenbill with your idea, wluckenbill@mhapa.org, and 866-578-3659.