The following two stories from parents remind us how hard it is to parent children with challenging behaviors. The authors encourage families to have patience and understanding not only for their children, but for themselves. One is from 1996, the other 2010, and the stories remind us that parts of the family experience remain the same, even with the progress we have made in the last 14 years. You may want to share your own story through this website’s feature – Speak Out! – Your Story.

From a Parent’s Perspective

Joyce Robin Borden (1996) Philadelphia, Parents Involved Network of Pennsylvania

What is it like to have a child with emotional problems? What is like to be the parent of a child who from an early age always seemed to require more? A child who was noticed, but often for negative reasons. A child whose school, from nursery school on, continually suggested conferences. A child whose years in elementary school were marked by frequent contact with principals, teachers, and counselors. A child who seemed to be almost, but never quite, okay.

There was denial on my part as friends gave me articles on hyperactivity, learning disabilities, and emotional problems, and teachers hinted at special classes. There has been an endless process of trying to do the “right” thing; getting one more job to afford the “right” school or the “right” therapist; and spending weeks, months, and years on the quest. The process included striving for some undefined ideal of family life — or at least an approximation of this ideal — so my child finally would be okay. And the process continued because what I thought would make the difference never made enough of a difference; my child never stayed on an even keel for more than a month or two at a time.

I thought that the fault was mine, and I would just have to try harder. I felt guilty because my child did not follow the course of “normal” children, frustrated because I couldn’t find the “magic” that would make it better; angry because none of the experts seemed to be able to help; impotent because it didn’t seem to matter what any of us did, and more recently, and because my child had needed to live apart from me to get the help he needed and worried because I wonder what his adult life will be like.

Over the years, there were good times and bad times. At different times my house was a battleground. My child has been depressed, angry, and often out of control. At times he would stare at me with what we would somewhat jokingly call “that look” and I would wonder what had become of my little boy! At other times he was full of remorse and expressed great bewilderment at this behavior. I felt helpless, pained by his apparent distress and unable to find any solutions.

Over time, I have pieced together a great deal of information about myself and my child. I think I have come to know both of us very well and for that I thank those professionals with whom I established a good working relationship. With this knowledge I have learned to evaluate information and these are my observations. This has been important because there have been so many different pronouncements about us by psychiatrists, psychologists, teachers, social workers, and public agency workers.

My child has attended many different special education programs, he has also been hospitalized and in residential treatment facilities for long-term treatment. He has been labeled “learning disabled with emotional problems” and “severely emotionally disturbed with no specific learning problems.” I have been told his future is bleak and, at other times, that he can have a productive life. I have been criticized for being over-involved and doing too much, as well as reproached for being under-involved and not trying hard enough. I have been blamed for the “failures” at home, school, and community by some, and praised for good parenting by others. I have been treated with respect, as well as patronized and ignored.

I have learned some very important things from these varied experiences.

I know that I will encounter resistance from some professionals. Even though most professionals express a wish to have parents involved in the child’s treatment process, many are uncomfortable when this happens. Rarely have I been acknowledged as a valuable resource; therefore, we have often wasted months waiting while each new professional discovered for himself what I had observed and related to him much earlier.

I know, however, that I am one of the best resources for my child. I have been the only contact factor in his treatment for a long time and can provide information, insight, and continuity that can come from no other source. I steel myself against the subtle and not-so-subtle accusations of blame and failure. I stay involved, ask questions, and am a vocal advocate for my child.

Finally, and most important, I have learned that “it was not my fault.” I know that I was not the only influence in my child’s development, so now I accept responsibility for those things that are within my control and no longer assume responsibility for all the other factors that have influenced my child.

My son and I continue to struggle with difficult issues, and his future is unpredictable. But our senses of humor and basic caring continue to carry us through the troublesome times.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Doreen Barkowitz, The Bridge, 2010

Like Ms. Borden, Ms. Barkowitz writes about the long journey she has taken with her son supporting his health and wellness. This article was excerpted from “The Bridge”, a quarterly newsletter by and for families published by Human Services Administration Organization (HSAO), a Pittsburgh based children’s behavioral health provider. This article can be read in the latest edition, available here.